Adjusting to Changes

I find extreme discomfort in changes. I find it difficult to adapt myself to a new environment. It usually takes me at least a year before i can actually fit in. It's hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and jump into something totally new. That's why i hate it when I'm FORCED to make changes. Its like I'm putting myself into something that i do not know what the outcome will be like. Changes is like those monsters hiding in your closet and waiting for that right opportunity to jump out and scares the hell out of you. Its either you survive or drop dead. Changes is that scary to me but not when i, myself, choose to change. That's different.

When i made up my mind to do something totally new... I already have a plan. So therefore I'm not throwing myself into something that i do not know what the outcome is going to be like. Things don't always goes as you want them to you might say...Well sure somewhere along the way there will be unexpected hiccups and unexpected decision to be made. No doubt about that. 

But....

The changes that i find hard to adapt to is those with emotional strings attached to it. Like friends for example. I have a (yes, just one) best friend back in primary school. I have lots of friends that i play with during recess and after school but only one that i always look for no matter what and the fact that we live on the same block just makes things easier. :) We will go school and back home together and when i feel board at home(as my sisters are all in the afternoon session and me in the morning or vice verse) I'll spend my day at her house with her two cute sisters and her grandmother. Than my family shifted. Lost her (there's no facebook back than) and was forced to make new friends in a new school. Now this is the kind of changes that i hate. Why?? Simply because i was forced to do it. I mean i got no choice here right. I took almost a year to find my way in the new school but lucky for me, the school was new itself. So everyone was new to each other. The students came from different schools, the teachers were new too. After two years there...is time to move on to secondary school now. Another change of environment, another sets of friends and another school. This time round i get to choose the school that i want to go so it wasn't that bad. But still it took me quite some time to settle in and make new friends. Thank god for the friends that He bless me with while i was adjusting myself in secondary school. Nothing like in the movies where you are faced with mean classmates or seniors or what-have-you. The Bitchalization kept me strong through out my secondary school days. It was only towards the end of my secondary school that i found my Charmed ones. Who are they? They are my Bestest Best Friend. :) Why Charmed rite? because at that point of time the Charmed series were a hit (or at least it was in my house) Its a witchcraft drama series of three sisters with magical powers. Yes Yes its those with potions and demons and spells. It was my favourite. :) 

Over the years (till today) i find comfort in my Charmed ones. Anything i do i know i will always have them. Thus this makes me supper reluctant to make new friends. Like what they say true friends are hard to find so i would rather stay to my Charmed ones. Besides its not easy to open up to a stranger. I really am glad of technology this days as it makes communication so much easier. Even when you are worlds apart. 


So my point here is that, i know sometimes changes is good. Good because you learn how to grow and make the best of  what you have. Taking that leap, that jump, that dive into something totally new and work your way to not only fit in but to stand out too. Its not easy (especially for people like me who despise changes) but its worth it. Sometimes i curse and swear when ever i faced with changes. But slowly through my years of leaving...i learn how to make the best of every situation. As much as i am getting use to changes....there's just one thing that i can never find comfort in... Having/Making New Friends. I can't help it.

 Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik

I'm not saying they are the perfect angles that god sent to me. No they are not perfect. They have their flaws too. But still i know that no matter what they are the ones who will not judge me. Who will be there no matter what i say, what i do and where I'll be in the future. We have our highs and lows too. We argue, we fight, we get angry but that's because we are all human after all. At the end of the day we still stand tall for each other. 

When i was standing at a crossroad, not sure if i should make that change or just stay where i am and be happy about it ( why bother to do something different when you are not sure you'll be happy or not right!!) i have them at my back. Like recently i was having a second thought of leaving home for school again. I've applied for school way back in February and i got in. As the days drew near and the thought of actually leaving home, leaving my family (who really depends on me alot these days) makes me thinks not twice not thrice but a million time again. That's where my Charmed ones had my back. The one valuable advice i got was;

"Ell, only He have the answers you are looking for. Ask Him for guidance and you will never go wrong". 

You see, sometimes you tend to forget therefore you need someone to remind you. :) 
Okies..i will stop rambling now. Anyway i still owe you the holiday entry. hehehehe... will do so soon ok. Maybe tonight. Its hard to blog an entry without a proper equipment. Planning to get new ones soon. Till than...

Lots of  Love

      ella

Feeling Low

Low

-Kelly Clarkson-

Everybody's talking
But they don't say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don't want their sympathy
It's cool you didn't want me
Sometimes you can't go back
By why'd you have to go
And make a mess like that
Well I just have to say before I let go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
Cause what you did was low

No I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
'Cept I never thought it'd
Hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
Cause what you did was low

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can't say that
This to show for all the time I loved you so

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
Cause what you did was low

I'm afraid this is going to be a looooong entry. Please bare with me here. I'm feeling super low today. So that explain the song above. Besides that I'm a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson. Don't you guys think she's an amazing singer. Like really. that not a single song on her album that i would skip. Love every single one of her songs and don't mind hearing it over and over again everyday. :) Would definitely love to catch her live in Singapore. So who wants to go with me??? 

Why am i feeling so low???? I don't have an answer to that either. Its weird. This i-don't-know-what-i'm-feeling kind of feeling. You get me? I don't think you did. But it's ok. Sometimes somethings just doesn't make any sense at all. Before i add on the confusion to an already confused reader...let me just think of a nice thing to talk about. ( I seriously just felt like i needed to write something so...bare with me)

Ok let's talk about my trip to Bangkok, Thailand this Friday. That's something to look forward to isn't it. Beside the not so good weather in Thailand, I'm still looking forward to the trip. A much needed holiday. Away from work, away from home and the best part is, I get to go on an ATV ride, play paintball and, my favourite of all time, ARCHERY. Gonna put that marksmanship title to a test after so long. Although archery is far from a rifle or a revolver but the thrill is still the same. Hitting the target. Bull's Eye. :D We will be visiting the tiger temple too. Gonna catch an up close and personal experience with the tigers. So stay tune for the 'Most needed Vacation' entry.*wink ;)

Next good news is that my sister, my beloved most sporting sister is back. There's just a thousand reason why i love her. Besides that she has the two most adorable kids in the world, (when you have your own niece or nephew or your own kids you'll think just like me) is that she is the only one that i can bring (or drag) along to anything that i want to do anytime. Like she's following me for the Bangkok trip and we have bought a ticket to watch Mega Lawak at Max Pavilion the following Sunday when we return from the trip. We even plan to watch Bohsia 2 and Madagascar 3 once we are back from the trip. Now can you see just why i love her? The only sister (out of the 3 that i had) who loves what i love. I'm having The Dictator on my must watch movie list. It's definitely good to have her back. :)

OhMyGod...writing aimlessly has bring back my mood. Now i know what to do when I'm feeling like the whole world have crash and i just feel like shit. Just write whatever that is on my mind. Shall recommend this remedy to all out there who feels absolutely low. Try it guys. 

Ok there's some officers coming over for some stupid inspection so got to go now.  A not so looooong entry after all. :)

Lots Of Love

     ella 

Bitchalization

I am missing my secondary school life soooo much that i decided to blog about it. :) Those innocent growing up days are the best days in my life. The part of our life where we learn about so many things that we can never learn from the thick text books. Where we made lots of friends and slowly learned the meaning of true friends. The moments where we tell our parents,

"Its my choice. Don't blame my friends. They have got nothing to do with this"

When the fact that they've got everything got to do with who we are becoming. Isn't that why i always tell my students to choose their friends wisely?? I would always remind them that they can mix with anyone they like but they must have a strong will to walk away when they know that that's not the right thing to do. They must have the strong will to fight peer pressure.


Sometimes, when i look back, i smile at those silly moments in school and sometimes my eyes get watery too. Anyway...in this entry i would like to talk about ma gurls. They are the most amazing bunch of friends i was lucky to have during my secondary school days.  No peer pressure. Just pure innocents moments of mischief. :)

The school that i went to had not much Malay students. I can practically count them with my fingers. Hence, i was in the same malay class with the same people for two years.Thanks to our most favorite malay teacher Mr Chea, we all share a special bond with each other. Yes, Mr Chea is a Chinese who teaches malay language. He is from Malaysia, so no surprise that his malay is far better than us. He was the best malay teacher I've ever had. Although we have lots of  karangan (compositions) to write but his lesson was never one that i would call boring. I totally enjoy his lesson. Especially the part where he imposed fines for each English word that we spoke in his Malay class. Cant remember how much was collected by the end of the mid-term or the year, but i did remember us having a feast with that contributions. :)


So ya back to ma gurls. There were a total of about ten of us in that malay class. It was a combination of two different classes. We have three Liyanas...so we decided to give them each their own nick name. :) Nana, Leia, Lynn, Azi, Faz, Ct, Ella, Lyd, Maisha, Athin. There you go..the ten of us. We seat through recess together. Waited for each other to finish their extra classes before going home together and the bond grew stronger over the  four years we spend in the school. Along the way we have additional members to the clique. We seen the worst of each other. The horrible relationships drama. The never ending home problems. The tears we shed when we didn't all get to step up to secondary three together. The April Fool's joke that we never fail to pull on each other every year. The sharing of what we cook during F&N lessons. It is all those precious memory that makes me miss ma gurls and the school life sooooo much. 


Plus i was an active member of my CCA. One of the reason i love school is because of my NPCC. Camps after camps. Outings after outings. Trainings after trainings. Competitions, Speech Day Parade and what have you. I want to be in it all. The leadership training and life skills training that i get from my CCA days are something that I'm thankful for. It got me this far. :) My aunt once told me not to be too involved in my CCA as it can affect my studies. But being ME.. i couldn't be bothered. I love doing what i love. The A1 i get for my CCA records did somehow help me in my O' levels ok. So ya...No regrets at all. :)

Infact most of us are damn active in our CCA. I can still remember how my mother would say... 'bawak sekali tilam and batal tu. Tido je at sch. Tak payah balik kan senang.' hahahaha..cute la my mother. She's not happy the i spend most of my days at school. As long as the school gate is still open we would still be around. hahahaha...

Somehow over the years we came up with the name Bitchalization.
We are not those image of bitches that you have in your mind. Those evil, mean girls you just hate in those high school movies where all the juniors fear. No we are not that kind of bitches.You must be wondering why call ourselves Bitchalization than right? Well, apart from we are Babes who are In Total Control of Herself... we have came up with a meaningful meanings for each letter. What is it?? Will share again some other times. ;) 

Besides missing the gurls, i miss the boys too. Their friendship was also valuable to me. They were there when we needed them too. Cooperative in most ways. Helpful no doubt. Now i feel like I'm writing a conduct report for my students. hahahahahha...

Ok..better stop ranting. Sorry if this entry is such a bore. Just sharing whats been on my mind for this past few days. Over and out for now.

 Lots Of Love
       ella